Thursday 9 April 2009

Going Public

There’s something inherently depressing about buses. Strangers bound together by a reliance on public and grotty services. I’ve never seen anyone happy to be there, and the thought that usually strikes me when I step on is: This is where ugly people go to die. Why else are there are no seatbelts? It’s like a bottom rung reject club, where the only requirements are that you can’t find or afford other transport. This hardly makes up for the most pleasant of company, who are only there because they don’t have any friends with cars or because their license was revoked after drink driving. Conversation is made almost entirely of gestures that ask ‘Is that seat free?’ and the blank response that says ‘I will stab you if you sit there.’

This dynamic changes if you recognise someone you can sit with. Be careful though, make sure you have plenty to talk about before you sit next to them, as unless you want to avoid awkward silences, there’s no polite way of moving somewhere else once you run out of words for each other. The friend you find on the bus is always someone you haven’t seen in years, and after you start talking, you’ll remember why. Using a prop, such as a book or an iPod is a good way of signifying that the conversation has ended, and a great way of saying to your ‘friend’ that it’s okay, they don’t have to talk anymore.

However, there are some people that don’t understand this rule, and will begin speaking to you even when you have your headphones on. All you will hear is garbled noise, at which point you have two options. Either take off the headphones, or just pretend you can hear them and make generic responses to their noises. I usually find that ambiguous hmms and yeahs are your best bet, and just pray they don’t say anything like, “I’ve been really depressed lately, I think I’m going to end it all.”

The trouble with the first approach is, you are unlikely to start a full conversation again, so simply turning your device off won’t be worth it. Instead, you’ll end up playing that game where you constantly remove and reapply the headphones as you engage in awkward and stilted chat, where every response from you begins with “What did you say?” You will often feel as if you are in a terribly unfunny comedy sketch, as they only find something to say once they are certain you’re not listening.

When the bus approaches a stop, I find that people are always so anxious to be prepared, as if getting up and moving to the door takes any longer than two seconds. Perhaps they are worried that the driver is particularly unforgiving, and only allows neat time windows of door opening, and will close the doors even when they are only halfway through, trapping them – screaming and wailing until the next stop. Let me assure you that this is not true. I myself like to remain seated for as long as possible, partly because I like sitting down, and partly to save myself the embarrassment of holding my balance when the bus comes to a sudden halt.

My departure habits do not pose any issues if I have an aisle seat, but if I’m locked into a window seat, you have to let the person know to let you out. Sometimes they read the signs too early though, and begin standing up when I’m just putting my bag on my lap. Not yet! I want to command them; there is still 15 seconds of good sitting time. What do you think you are doing? It’s apparently unreasonable to expect them to wait in the aisle until you are ready to stand.