There’s something inherently depressing about buses. Strangers bound together by a reliance on public and grotty services. I’ve never seen anyone happy to be there, and the thought that usually strikes me when I step on is: This is where ugly people go to die. Why else are there are no seatbelts? It’s like a bottom rung reject club, where the only requirements are that you can’t find or afford other transport. This hardly makes up for the most pleasant of company, who are only there because they don’t have any friends with cars or because their license was revoked after drink driving. Conversation is made almost entirely of gestures that ask ‘Is that seat free?’ and the blank response that says ‘I will stab you if you sit there.’
This dynamic changes if you recognise someone you can sit with. Be careful though, make sure you have plenty to talk about before you sit next to them, as unless you want to avoid awkward silences, there’s no polite way of moving somewhere else once you run out of words for each other. The friend you find on the bus is always someone you haven’t seen in years, and after you start talking, you’ll remember why. Using a prop, such as a book or an iPod is a good way of signifying that the conversation has ended, and a great way of saying to your ‘friend’ that it’s okay, they don’t have to talk anymore.
However, there are some people that don’t understand this rule, and will begin speaking to you even when you have your headphones on. All you will hear is garbled noise, at which point you have two options. Either take off the headphones, or just pretend you can hear them and make generic responses to their noises. I usually find that ambiguous hmms and yeahs are your best bet, and just pray they don’t say anything like, “I’ve been really depressed lately, I think I’m going to end it all.”
The trouble with the first approach is, you are unlikely to start a full conversation again, so simply turning your device off won’t be worth it. Instead, you’ll end up playing that game where you constantly remove and reapply the headphones as you engage in awkward and stilted chat, where every response from you begins with “What did you say?” You will often feel as if you are in a terribly unfunny comedy sketch, as they only find something to say once they are certain you’re not listening.
When the bus approaches a stop, I find that people are always so anxious to be prepared, as if getting up and moving to the door takes any longer than two seconds. Perhaps they are worried that the driver is particularly unforgiving, and only allows neat time windows of door opening, and will close the doors even when they are only halfway through, trapping them – screaming and wailing until the next stop. Let me assure you that this is not true. I myself like to remain seated for as long as possible, partly because I like sitting down, and partly to save myself the embarrassment of holding my balance when the bus comes to a sudden halt.
My departure habits do not pose any issues if I have an aisle seat, but if I’m locked into a window seat, you have to let the person know to let you out. Sometimes they read the signs too early though, and begin standing up when I’m just putting my bag on my lap. Not yet! I want to command them; there is still 15 seconds of good sitting time. What do you think you are doing? It’s apparently unreasonable to expect them to wait in the aisle until you are ready to stand.
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Advice. Show all posts
Thursday, 9 April 2009
Saturday, 14 February 2009
Valentine's meets the Crunch
As we all know, we live in a time of financial collapse. Banks have gone bust and suicide is at an all time high. The USA is currently embroiled in a nuclear civil war, and Tennessee has been wiped off the map, along with its very valuable contribution to banjo music. Babies now roam the streets, fending for themselves, and building forts out of broken dreams. They’ve formed an alliance with the Toddlers, and keep a tight perimeter on the Alaskan border with the aid of diaper catapults. The effects are devastating. And disgusting.
Valentine’s Day is a small respite from the baby regime. And for one flickering day only. For some it’s more special than others. But times are tight, so I offer my five ways to show someone you care, whilst spending zero pounds sterling. Hopefully your loved one will appreciate the gesture, and will equate it to a whole lot of love dollars, redeemable in a marriage bed. I.e. Sex.
1) Sweep Her Off Her Feet
No one enjoys being carried more than women. So carry her through the streets so that she gets the attention she deserves, and everyone knows what prize you have bagged. NB: If you are unable to carry her, then you either a) are a pathetic excuse for a man or b) need to downsize.
2) Build Her A Cake Or Something
Perhaps you don’t have the money to treat your princess to the deluge of chocolate rain that she is used to this year, so instead, turn your own hands to the culinary arts. Chicks love ‘gestures’, so they will literally eat this up. If you are smart though, do yourself a favour and make a terrible job of it. She will then never allow you to cook for her again, but will forever appreciate your effort. Everyone wins.
3) Make Her Feel ‘Special’
Special, is the most desirable state for your burden of a wife. No one knows accurately how to create this state. Some think it does not even exist. The best we can do is to artificially induce it by integrating the word ‘Special’ into any sentences involving her. I.e. “This is my Special Wife,” “Can we get some Special knives and forks for my Special wife, please?” and “You look especially Special today….Special.” The woman will be unable to differentiate the pseudo-special environment that you have created for her, from any genuine feelings of being Special. She will spend her day with a heightened state of self-worth, and will be primed for asking for any Special favours.
4) Flowers
Much like bees, hoes (or egg carriers) are genetically engineered to be attracted to flowers. Think of them as bargaining chips. Go to the finest garage forecourt in your area, and take some time. It may even be necessary to ask the cashier. Do not be afraid, these men are experts. They are hideous, but they also get a lot of punani. If you get the right flowers, you’re going straight to Boob Town. If you really want to impress the symbolism of the flowers, bring your own bee to pollinate them whilst you watch. Once it is over, squirt honey on her back to show her what to expect next.
5) Be Mean To Keep Her Keen
This is always solid advice, and never more so than on Valentine’s. Do not get your bitch a present. Make sure she is fully aware that you know what day it is, and perhaps even mention the great presents you got for better girlfriends in the past. Push this until she cries, and then cut yourself and her, and rub the wounds together, shouting “the ultimate commitment!” Then leave. She will never doubt your love again.
Valentine’s Day is a small respite from the baby regime. And for one flickering day only. For some it’s more special than others. But times are tight, so I offer my five ways to show someone you care, whilst spending zero pounds sterling. Hopefully your loved one will appreciate the gesture, and will equate it to a whole lot of love dollars, redeemable in a marriage bed. I.e. Sex.
1) Sweep Her Off Her Feet
No one enjoys being carried more than women. So carry her through the streets so that she gets the attention she deserves, and everyone knows what prize you have bagged. NB: If you are unable to carry her, then you either a) are a pathetic excuse for a man or b) need to downsize.
2) Build Her A Cake Or Something
Perhaps you don’t have the money to treat your princess to the deluge of chocolate rain that she is used to this year, so instead, turn your own hands to the culinary arts. Chicks love ‘gestures’, so they will literally eat this up. If you are smart though, do yourself a favour and make a terrible job of it. She will then never allow you to cook for her again, but will forever appreciate your effort. Everyone wins.
3) Make Her Feel ‘Special’
Special, is the most desirable state for your burden of a wife. No one knows accurately how to create this state. Some think it does not even exist. The best we can do is to artificially induce it by integrating the word ‘Special’ into any sentences involving her. I.e. “This is my Special Wife,” “Can we get some Special knives and forks for my Special wife, please?” and “You look especially Special today….Special.” The woman will be unable to differentiate the pseudo-special environment that you have created for her, from any genuine feelings of being Special. She will spend her day with a heightened state of self-worth, and will be primed for asking for any Special favours.
4) Flowers
Much like bees, hoes (or egg carriers) are genetically engineered to be attracted to flowers. Think of them as bargaining chips. Go to the finest garage forecourt in your area, and take some time. It may even be necessary to ask the cashier. Do not be afraid, these men are experts. They are hideous, but they also get a lot of punani. If you get the right flowers, you’re going straight to Boob Town. If you really want to impress the symbolism of the flowers, bring your own bee to pollinate them whilst you watch. Once it is over, squirt honey on her back to show her what to expect next.
5) Be Mean To Keep Her Keen
This is always solid advice, and never more so than on Valentine’s. Do not get your bitch a present. Make sure she is fully aware that you know what day it is, and perhaps even mention the great presents you got for better girlfriends in the past. Push this until she cries, and then cut yourself and her, and rub the wounds together, shouting “the ultimate commitment!” Then leave. She will never doubt your love again.
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
Ugly Nuggets continued
If you missed the original Ugly Nuggets post, it is advisory that you check it out now so that you are up to date.
Now, let’s move away from food related issues and table manners. Let’s move away from the kitchen to another important room of the house: the bathroom. Bathroom sharing is an important issue. It seems that most people aren’t offended if their partner takes a leak whilst in the same room. Now, this only works for the bathroom. You can’t start taking liberties with the kitchen sink when your partner’s making a sandwich. Bedwetting is also an unpopular option.
So the real issue is: when can you shit in front of your partner? People say, don’t run before you can walk and so I like to say, don’t shit before you’ve farted.
Farting is always an awkward one. What’s different from our toilet functions, is that it doesn’t have a designated, air-conditioned room. It can also come at any time, without warning, and usually in public situations. The main problem is, your sphincter has no way of measuring these variables, so it gives you the false hope that perhaps it will be a quiet one. You think, what did I have for dinner? Fish and chips. Nothing too odorous, I think I might get away with it. Cue loud stench and embarrassment.
A good way to introduce farting is to make a joke about it. If you want her to feel like an accomplice to your body functions, then try the old ‘pull my finger’ routine. If your partner doesn’t share your sense of lowbrow humour, then try a more intellectual windbreaker over a game of chess. When it’s your turn, take some time, and furrow your brow, as if you are deep in thought. Then crack it open like a champagne bottle, and laugh, to let her know it was all a joke, har har har. There’s no need to make the same joke about future farts, or you’ll have difficulty getting your partner to play a board game with you again.
Shitting in someone’s presence is a quite a leap from farting, but despair not, it is possible. Some people even have their partners wipe their arse, though they are usually kinky or paraplegic (I’m so sorry).
Sometimes shitting in front of your partner is almost unavoidable, and this is how it usually begins. Perhaps your partner is soaking in a bath of suds; unwinding after a long day at the office. You on the other hand are tense. The best way is to force your partner into an ultimatum. Shout through the door that you need a shit, and they will either have to make a hurried and screaming exit, or light a few more of their aromatic candles. Either way, you’ve brought up the subject, and they’ve made the decision.
Now, don’t get too cavalier about your toilet habits once they’ve green lighted you. Try to avoid the brushing-teeth and number-two crossover. This can be very unpleasant for the teeth-brusher, as the sink is invariably next to the toilet, and they only came in for some minty refreshment.
Now, let’s move away from food related issues and table manners. Let’s move away from the kitchen to another important room of the house: the bathroom. Bathroom sharing is an important issue. It seems that most people aren’t offended if their partner takes a leak whilst in the same room. Now, this only works for the bathroom. You can’t start taking liberties with the kitchen sink when your partner’s making a sandwich. Bedwetting is also an unpopular option.
So the real issue is: when can you shit in front of your partner? People say, don’t run before you can walk and so I like to say, don’t shit before you’ve farted.
Farting is always an awkward one. What’s different from our toilet functions, is that it doesn’t have a designated, air-conditioned room. It can also come at any time, without warning, and usually in public situations. The main problem is, your sphincter has no way of measuring these variables, so it gives you the false hope that perhaps it will be a quiet one. You think, what did I have for dinner? Fish and chips. Nothing too odorous, I think I might get away with it. Cue loud stench and embarrassment.
A good way to introduce farting is to make a joke about it. If you want her to feel like an accomplice to your body functions, then try the old ‘pull my finger’ routine. If your partner doesn’t share your sense of lowbrow humour, then try a more intellectual windbreaker over a game of chess. When it’s your turn, take some time, and furrow your brow, as if you are deep in thought. Then crack it open like a champagne bottle, and laugh, to let her know it was all a joke, har har har. There’s no need to make the same joke about future farts, or you’ll have difficulty getting your partner to play a board game with you again.
Shitting in someone’s presence is a quite a leap from farting, but despair not, it is possible. Some people even have their partners wipe their arse, though they are usually kinky or paraplegic (I’m so sorry).
Sometimes shitting in front of your partner is almost unavoidable, and this is how it usually begins. Perhaps your partner is soaking in a bath of suds; unwinding after a long day at the office. You on the other hand are tense. The best way is to force your partner into an ultimatum. Shout through the door that you need a shit, and they will either have to make a hurried and screaming exit, or light a few more of their aromatic candles. Either way, you’ve brought up the subject, and they’ve made the decision.
Now, don’t get too cavalier about your toilet habits once they’ve green lighted you. Try to avoid the brushing-teeth and number-two crossover. This can be very unpleasant for the teeth-brusher, as the sink is invariably next to the toilet, and they only came in for some minty refreshment.
Monday, 26 January 2009
Ugly Nuggets
In the beginning of a relationship, there are certain benchmarks that are crossed. Those memorable moments: the first kiss, the first fuck, the first hug. Sometimes in that order. But these are often clustered together, and depending on how much of a slag you are, may all occur within six hours of meeting that person. What I want to discuss today are those true benchmarks further along the road, those moments which a relationship can hinge on, and if judged too early may close the door on the relationship altogether.
I’m speaking of course of habits. Those dirty, secret habits which only your nearest and dearest are witness to, whether they like it or not. We’ll start with something relatively inoffensive. It’s the start of your day, and if you’re considerate to your digestive system, you began it with Bran Flakes, hmm, the cereal you don’t need any taste buds to enjoy. But your breakfast isn’t finished yet, not truly, there’s still a pool of milk leftover. Wasting is out of the question, but you’re remembering how your partner is the sort of person who cringes when you suggest sharing a toothbrush.
This is a different boundary of course, it’s not as if you’re asking them if they want to finish it off. So you wait till they’re distracted, and bring the bowl swiftly to your lips. Not too fast though, or you’ll have a beard full of cascading milk, making a spectacle of the whole thing. Perhaps this isn’t such a bad way of introducing it, ‘look at me, I’ve made a disgusting yet humorous mess of myself, it’s all so hilariously endearing, ha ha ha.’ Only problem is, that joke gets old quick, and soon they’re going to begin thinking, maybe it wasn’t a joke after all, maybe this is actually how he finishes his breakfast everyday. You see them playing it over in their mind, the endless replays of your face being doused in milk and residual flakes; the mouth half open, and the sinister ghost of a laugh projected from the back of the throat, like some puppet fortune teller at a fairground.
So take it easy. If you feel that the relationship isn’t going anywhere, then this is a good short-term solution. However, if you’re in for the long run, there is going to come a time when she stops becoming distracted by the imaginary things you point at, and turns to look at you as you’re tipping that bowl to your lips. It’s one of those classic hand-in-the-cookie-jar (or biscuit tin, if you’re from this side of the Atlantic) moments, which are best dealt with by pretending everything is normal. Don’t freeze guiltily, or say “Uh oh”. If you’re feeling cocky, meet her eyes and stare her down, make her feel ashamed for looking at you in your moment of weakness, and perhaps even lick your lips, so that she knows you’re ready for intercourse.
If you pass this moment with little incident, then perhaps your partner might be ready for you to unleash your next ugly. However, give it some time, you don’t want to cluster these things, otherwise the force of it might act as a sort of domestic Ragnarök.
Dinnertime is over, or so you’re partner thought. You enjoyed a delicious chicken lasagne, and you just can’t seem to get enough of that cheesy sauce. Now try to assess the relationship, do they love you? Are they charmed when you drink the orange juice straight from the carton, and can see the logic that it saves on washing up? If so, then the meal has only just begun. Now lick the plate. Show them what the strongest muscle in the body was designed for. A rule of thumb though, this only applies whilst the plate is still on the table. You don’t want to get caught half an hour later in the kitchen trying to make the most of dried pasta. With this in mind, if your plate is removed, your partner has spoken and mealtime is over. These things can turn ugly, so steer clear of the tug of war situation.
Overall, I’ve found licking the plate produces a variety of reactions. For some people, this is relationship-ending stuff, and so is a good weapon to bear in mind if you feel you’re in a Shawshank circumstance. Other people will merely shudder, and try and remember why they love you. The boat has been rocked, but hasn’t sunk yet. Try to balance this out and buy them a DVD or something. Think more Mamma Mia! and less Schlinder’s List. In this case, it’s probably best to wait a few years before you begin licking their plate.
If you’re really lucky, your partner will see the joys to be had in licking the plate and they too will join you in finishing their meal. Times like these are emotional; so don’t be surprised if you see tears of revelation as they begin to realise the revolutionary repasts that await them.
More on this later. Subscribe for the updates.
I’m speaking of course of habits. Those dirty, secret habits which only your nearest and dearest are witness to, whether they like it or not. We’ll start with something relatively inoffensive. It’s the start of your day, and if you’re considerate to your digestive system, you began it with Bran Flakes, hmm, the cereal you don’t need any taste buds to enjoy. But your breakfast isn’t finished yet, not truly, there’s still a pool of milk leftover. Wasting is out of the question, but you’re remembering how your partner is the sort of person who cringes when you suggest sharing a toothbrush.
This is a different boundary of course, it’s not as if you’re asking them if they want to finish it off. So you wait till they’re distracted, and bring the bowl swiftly to your lips. Not too fast though, or you’ll have a beard full of cascading milk, making a spectacle of the whole thing. Perhaps this isn’t such a bad way of introducing it, ‘look at me, I’ve made a disgusting yet humorous mess of myself, it’s all so hilariously endearing, ha ha ha.’ Only problem is, that joke gets old quick, and soon they’re going to begin thinking, maybe it wasn’t a joke after all, maybe this is actually how he finishes his breakfast everyday. You see them playing it over in their mind, the endless replays of your face being doused in milk and residual flakes; the mouth half open, and the sinister ghost of a laugh projected from the back of the throat, like some puppet fortune teller at a fairground.
So take it easy. If you feel that the relationship isn’t going anywhere, then this is a good short-term solution. However, if you’re in for the long run, there is going to come a time when she stops becoming distracted by the imaginary things you point at, and turns to look at you as you’re tipping that bowl to your lips. It’s one of those classic hand-in-the-cookie-jar (or biscuit tin, if you’re from this side of the Atlantic) moments, which are best dealt with by pretending everything is normal. Don’t freeze guiltily, or say “Uh oh”. If you’re feeling cocky, meet her eyes and stare her down, make her feel ashamed for looking at you in your moment of weakness, and perhaps even lick your lips, so that she knows you’re ready for intercourse.
If you pass this moment with little incident, then perhaps your partner might be ready for you to unleash your next ugly. However, give it some time, you don’t want to cluster these things, otherwise the force of it might act as a sort of domestic Ragnarök.
Dinnertime is over, or so you’re partner thought. You enjoyed a delicious chicken lasagne, and you just can’t seem to get enough of that cheesy sauce. Now try to assess the relationship, do they love you? Are they charmed when you drink the orange juice straight from the carton, and can see the logic that it saves on washing up? If so, then the meal has only just begun. Now lick the plate. Show them what the strongest muscle in the body was designed for. A rule of thumb though, this only applies whilst the plate is still on the table. You don’t want to get caught half an hour later in the kitchen trying to make the most of dried pasta. With this in mind, if your plate is removed, your partner has spoken and mealtime is over. These things can turn ugly, so steer clear of the tug of war situation.
Overall, I’ve found licking the plate produces a variety of reactions. For some people, this is relationship-ending stuff, and so is a good weapon to bear in mind if you feel you’re in a Shawshank circumstance. Other people will merely shudder, and try and remember why they love you. The boat has been rocked, but hasn’t sunk yet. Try to balance this out and buy them a DVD or something. Think more Mamma Mia! and less Schlinder’s List. In this case, it’s probably best to wait a few years before you begin licking their plate.
If you’re really lucky, your partner will see the joys to be had in licking the plate and they too will join you in finishing their meal. Times like these are emotional; so don’t be surprised if you see tears of revelation as they begin to realise the revolutionary repasts that await them.
More on this later. Subscribe for the updates.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
