Finding Howard

OK, so as some of you who I speak to may already be aware, I'm setting a website called (atm) 'Howard Bingleton Solves Social Situations with Science'. Howard is a fictional character, and his website is a guide for surviving modern life. He knows not everyone is cool or sexy, and he's the first to admit that he's neither, but he argues there are rules you can follow, algorithms to prevent you making a tit of yourself (my words, not his).

Illustrating the website for me is Liz Greenfield, you can see her other examples of her work at www.lizgreenfield.com

Along with each article, Liz will provide an appropriate image of Howard to really spice the whole thing up. I'm very excited about it all, but we still haven't quite figured out what Howard should look like yet, so I'm posting some of Liz's sketches, with the hope that you'll tell me which ones you like, or seem to fit his voice. And beneath the images, here's a prototype article of what will be appearing on the website once it gets online. Please please please comment, and let me know what you think.



How to hug a woman

In your friendship with women, there will come a time when they will let you touch them. They are very specific about where, and for how long, but this is contact all the same. Women call this Hugging. It is not the petting zoo you might have imagined, there are strict rules to follow, and cries of sexual harassment if you don’t.

Many people hug, so it’s important to remember that it’s a convention, not a privilege. Accordingly, you shouldn’t view it as a chance to ‘cop a feel’, but instead, behave responsibly, and return the hug without implications.

The First Hug

The first hug is the most exciting and dangerous. It will tell you a lot about the woman, and how they feel about you. It will become a template from which all future hugs will spring. Get it right first time, and you’ll soon be hugging with no clothes on for minutes at a time.

One of the many rules is that you let the lady dictate the pressure, but it’s difficult to gauge this on the first hug, as it will last only a matter of moments, so it’s best to play it safe.

The first few hugs will be more a meeting of the shoulders as you lean towards each other, instead of any torso-to-torso intimacy. Let your arms rest on them, whilst applying only minimal pressure. I call this The Drape. It is relaxed and non-threatening. Remove your arms as soon as she begins moving away. Keep it simple, and without any excessive flourishes.

Words to describe actions you should avoid:

1. Stroking
2. Caressing
3. Lingering
4. Grinding
5. Tonguing

If you’re worried about your technique, practise on a large cushion. If you can hold the cushion without changing its shape, then you’ve got it right.

Key to knowing if you’re pressing too hard:

1. You feel her breasts flatten against you.
2. She screams.