Ugly Nuggets continued

If you missed the original Ugly Nuggets post, it is advisory that you check it out now so that you are up to date.

Now, let’s move away from food related issues and table manners. Let’s move away from the kitchen to another important room of the house: the bathroom. Bathroom sharing is an important issue. It seems that most people aren’t offended if their partner takes a leak whilst in the same room. Now, this only works for the bathroom. You can’t start taking liberties with the kitchen sink when your partner’s making a sandwich. Bedwetting is also an unpopular option.

So the real issue is: when can you shit in front of your partner? People say, don’t run before you can walk and so I like to say, don’t shit before you’ve farted.

Farting is always an awkward one. What’s different from our toilet functions, is that it doesn’t have a designated, air-conditioned room. It can also come at any time, without warning, and usually in public situations. The main problem is, your sphincter has no way of measuring these variables, so it gives you the false hope that perhaps it will be a quiet one. You think, what did I have for dinner? Fish and chips. Nothing too odorous, I think I might get away with it. Cue loud stench and embarrassment.

A good way to introduce farting is to make a joke about it. If you want her to feel like an accomplice to your body functions, then try the old ‘pull my finger’ routine. If your partner doesn’t share your sense of lowbrow humour, then try a more intellectual windbreaker over a game of chess. When it’s your turn, take some time, and furrow your brow, as if you are deep in thought. Then crack it open like a champagne bottle, and laugh, to let her know it was all a joke, har har har. There’s no need to make the same joke about future farts, or you’ll have difficulty getting your partner to play a board game with you again.

Shitting in someone’s presence is a quite a leap from farting, but despair not, it is possible. Some people even have their partners wipe their arse, though they are usually kinky or paraplegic (I’m so sorry).

Sometimes shitting in front of your partner is almost unavoidable, and this is how it usually begins. Perhaps your partner is soaking in a bath of suds; unwinding after a long day at the office. You on the other hand are tense. The best way is to force your partner into an ultimatum. Shout through the door that you need a shit, and they will either have to make a hurried and screaming exit, or light a few more of their aromatic candles. Either way, you’ve brought up the subject, and they’ve made the decision.

Now, don’t get too cavalier about your toilet habits once they’ve green lighted you. Try to avoid the brushing-teeth and number-two crossover. This can be very unpleasant for the teeth-brusher, as the sink is invariably next to the toilet, and they only came in for some minty refreshment.