Valentine's meets the Crunch

As we all know, we live in a time of financial collapse. Banks have gone bust and suicide is at an all time high. The USA is currently embroiled in a nuclear civil war, and Tennessee has been wiped off the map, along with its very valuable contribution to banjo music. Babies now roam the streets, fending for themselves, and building forts out of broken dreams. They’ve formed an alliance with the Toddlers, and keep a tight perimeter on the Alaskan border with the aid of diaper catapults. The effects are devastating. And disgusting.

Valentine’s Day is a small respite from the baby regime. And for one flickering day only. For some it’s more special than others. But times are tight, so I offer my five ways to show someone you care, whilst spending zero pounds sterling. Hopefully your loved one will appreciate the gesture, and will equate it to a whole lot of love dollars, redeemable in a marriage bed. I.e. Sex.

1) Sweep Her Off Her Feet
No one enjoys being carried more than women. So carry her through the streets so that she gets the attention she deserves, and everyone knows what prize you have bagged. NB: If you are unable to carry her, then you either a) are a pathetic excuse for a man or b) need to downsize.

2) Build Her A Cake Or Something
Perhaps you don’t have the money to treat your princess to the deluge of chocolate rain that she is used to this year, so instead, turn your own hands to the culinary arts. Chicks love ‘gestures’, so they will literally eat this up. If you are smart though, do yourself a favour and make a terrible job of it. She will then never allow you to cook for her again, but will forever appreciate your effort. Everyone wins.

3) Make Her Feel ‘Special’
Special, is the most desirable state for your burden of a wife. No one knows accurately how to create this state. Some think it does not even exist. The best we can do is to artificially induce it by integrating the word ‘Special’ into any sentences involving her. I.e. “This is my Special Wife,” “Can we get some Special knives and forks for my Special wife, please?” and “You look especially Special today….Special.” The woman will be unable to differentiate the pseudo-special environment that you have created for her, from any genuine feelings of being Special. She will spend her day with a heightened state of self-worth, and will be primed for asking for any Special favours.

4) Flowers
Much like bees, hoes (or egg carriers) are genetically engineered to be attracted to flowers. Think of them as bargaining chips. Go to the finest garage forecourt in your area, and take some time. It may even be necessary to ask the cashier. Do not be afraid, these men are experts. They are hideous, but they also get a lot of punani. If you get the right flowers, you’re going straight to Boob Town. If you really want to impress the symbolism of the flowers, bring your own bee to pollinate them whilst you watch. Once it is over, squirt honey on her back to show her what to expect next.

5) Be Mean To Keep Her Keen
This is always solid advice, and never more so than on Valentine’s. Do not get your bitch a present. Make sure she is fully aware that you know what day it is, and perhaps even mention the great presents you got for better girlfriends in the past. Push this until she cries, and then cut yourself and her, and rub the wounds together, shouting “the ultimate commitment!” Then leave. She will never doubt your love again.