Toilet Seat Up: Match Point

There’s been something on my mind that needs to be settled. I’m sure you’re all familiar with a bathroom rule that’s been set by our lesser halves that continues to go unchallenged. Fear not men, I have come to champion our cause, no longer shall we replace the toilet seat once we have finished our business.

First, let’s look at the logic that our female counterparts have touted as to why the toilet seat should be left down. There is none. Let’s just be clear about this. What possible reason could there be other than their own preference?

I’m actually in the habit of leaving the seat down, but only with the lid down as well. This is because it looks neater and you can place things on it, such as towels or children. It also prevents the two million germs that are ejected from a flushing toilet from flying at my toothbrush. But it’s mostly the neatness thing.

Girls never seem to complain when they see the lid down, perhaps because they do not suspect that a boy is responsible, or perhaps a downed lid brings a natural harmony to the bathroom that puts them at ease. They see no object to lifting the lid, but when it comes to putting a toilet seat down you better believe they’re going to be pissed, or in some anomalous examples, terrified.

I have spent a great deal of time speculating on this matter (some would say, too much time), and I’ve come to the conclusion that there are only two possible reasons to explain this reaction.

1) Women have underdeveloped triceps, making it difficult to move things toward them in a downward motion.
2) They regard their toilet habits as a sacrosanct ceremony, which must be properly prepared for. They take great offence when a man does not respect their rituals and will either lash out verbally or use the sink in protest.

From a health and safety standpoint, it is in fact more considerate to leave the seat up. Allow me to explain: We now live in an age of (debatable) gender equality, where female bankers are not considered witches and house husbands are not poofs…well.

But it wasn’t always like this. In a time when a woman’s only boss was her husband, a time I like to refer to as The Golden Years, women actually evolved a stronger back so as better to carry offspring and linen baskets. This now means bending over imposes less of a strain on the small of their back. And as women tend be shorter, they’re already closer to the toilet seat, thereby decreasing the angle of the bend and the risk of slipping a disc.

This is a classic example of evolution doing its best to bring out the stronger traits of each gender. You may be interested to know that since The Enlightenment men’s necks have actually gotten thicker so as better to support their scholarly brains, imitating a pedestal, if you will.

As it happens, I’m gifted with an unusually long neck, which holds my head aloft most others I deign to speak with, lending me a regal air, and allows me to look down my nose at almost anyone.

The second point in my case is what should be fair.

If we want to talk about ‘fair’, let me tell you what is definitely unfair. If the woman expects the seat to be down and ready at all times, it would mean the man expends infinitely more energy in seat related lifting and closing. This is more than 100%, because 100% more than nothing still doesn’t mean anything.

Surely it is fairer if both sexes leave the toilet how they please? However, even in this instance, it would still favour whichever there are more of. For instance, in my house of five, I live with three other girls and a guy. So the chances that I enter after a girl is more than 3/5 (as I’m unlikely to use the toilet twice in a row). But even on a more even ground, the house still favours girls, because about 1/10 of a guys toilet functions will require the seat.

It looks like there is no winning this one, at least not with any arguments of fairness. Even so, women don’t learn through reasonable debate, much like monkeys, they learn from practical example. If I were to try and explain my theory, I could expect a stock phrase response such as “Fuck off” or “What?” But if I piss on the seat every time it is down, then they learn through the repetition of my actions. This may be the only act of domestic vandalism that I can feasibly get away with, so I try to take as much guiltless pleasure as possible. I like to imagine it is her favourite pincushion, and douse that motherfucker.

I’ve found this has had mixed results, from the lady in question terminating all contact and relations, to her learning to pee standing up, which is about as novel and miraculous as a cat that opens doors.

You want to talk to me about toilet seats? You lose.

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Khyan is pleased that Microsoft suggested he make ‘mother fucker’ a single word.