Bell 2: Multitasking

When it comes to speaking on the phone, I'm still liable to panic, as I'm completely inept at achieving anything whilst holding a phone to my face. It brings us back to that idea that women can multitask and men can't. It's feminist propaganda like this and sentences like, 'women are better drivers than men,' 'women deserve equal pay for the same work' and 'you can only beat your wife with a wooden pole and not a metal one' that makes me want to push small children over.

However, when it comes to doing stuff and talking on the phone, I think women may have won this one. I could call my ex (that's right, ladies ;) at any time of the day and receive a monologue of her precise movements: "Yeah, I'm just paying now...ooh, I've just dropped the money, silly me...she's just given me forty-three pence in exchange for my ten pound Stirling." Me? I don't answer the phone if I'm in a cue.

Women are prepared to answer a call at any given occasion. They could be cooking a roast, cleaning an expensive vase, or indeed any other stereotypical-about-the-house activity. One time I phoned my partner (I can call her that) and everything seemed to be normal, except for what sounded like these large blasts of air.
"What're those noises?" I asked.
"A fire extinguisher, my curtains are on fire."

If I receive a call whilst I'm about the house, I have to tie my legs down so that I'm not distracted by the thought of walking. Ladies hate it when you're distracted. And it doesn't matter that they can't see you, they'll know.

I think one of the few times that a man will answer a phone when a woman definitely won't is when he's using the toilet. Number one, number two; it doesn't matter. If there's one thing Man can do whilst maintaining a conversation it's answering that separate call to nature. How else do you explain urinals? It's not about efficiency, it's about socialising; bonding.

The one problem with this is that you can never let a woman know that you're attending to business whilst speaking to her. Thankfully, mobiles aren't at the megaphone level of audio pickup, so if you stick to the side of the bowl, you're pretty safe, and if it's a number two, just avoid groaning and other sharp outtakes of breath.

OK, so you're finished, and without arousing too much suspicion. Do you flush? Of course you want to flush, every fibre of your potty-trained hand is being drawn towards that paddle shaped arm. One technique is to edge toward the door, whilst simultaneously leaning towards the flusher. You press, turn, slam the door behind you and charge down the hallway. It's hopeful, but never in the history of Man (unless you're Usain Bolt or a toilet ninja) has this worked. Even if you manage to escape the tidal wave of decibels, you're still going to have to explain why you're suddenly out of breath.