Ugly Nuggets

In the beginning of a relationship, there are certain benchmarks that are crossed. Those memorable moments: the first kiss, the first fuck, the first hug. Sometimes in that order. But these are often clustered together, and depending on how much of a slag you are, may all occur within six hours of meeting that person. What I want to discuss today are those true benchmarks further along the road, those moments which a relationship can hinge on, and if judged too early may close the door on the relationship altogether.

I’m speaking of course of habits. Those dirty, secret habits which only your nearest and dearest are witness to, whether they like it or not. We’ll start with something relatively inoffensive. It’s the start of your day, and if you’re considerate to your digestive system, you began it with Bran Flakes, hmm, the cereal you don’t need any taste buds to enjoy. But your breakfast isn’t finished yet, not truly, there’s still a pool of milk leftover. Wasting is out of the question, but you’re remembering how your partner is the sort of person who cringes when you suggest sharing a toothbrush.

This is a different boundary of course, it’s not as if you’re asking them if they want to finish it off. So you wait till they’re distracted, and bring the bowl swiftly to your lips. Not too fast though, or you’ll have a beard full of cascading milk, making a spectacle of the whole thing. Perhaps this isn’t such a bad way of introducing it, ‘look at me, I’ve made a disgusting yet humorous mess of myself, it’s all so hilariously endearing, ha ha ha.’ Only problem is, that joke gets old quick, and soon they’re going to begin thinking, maybe it wasn’t a joke after all, maybe this is actually how he finishes his breakfast everyday. You see them playing it over in their mind, the endless replays of your face being doused in milk and residual flakes; the mouth half open, and the sinister ghost of a laugh projected from the back of the throat, like some puppet fortune teller at a fairground.

So take it easy. If you feel that the relationship isn’t going anywhere, then this is a good short-term solution. However, if you’re in for the long run, there is going to come a time when she stops becoming distracted by the imaginary things you point at, and turns to look at you as you’re tipping that bowl to your lips. It’s one of those classic hand-in-the-cookie-jar (or biscuit tin, if you’re from this side of the Atlantic) moments, which are best dealt with by pretending everything is normal. Don’t freeze guiltily, or say “Uh oh”. If you’re feeling cocky, meet her eyes and stare her down, make her feel ashamed for looking at you in your moment of weakness, and perhaps even lick your lips, so that she knows you’re ready for intercourse.

If you pass this moment with little incident, then perhaps your partner might be ready for you to unleash your next ugly. However, give it some time, you don’t want to cluster these things, otherwise the force of it might act as a sort of domestic Ragnarök.

Dinnertime is over, or so you’re partner thought. You enjoyed a delicious chicken lasagne, and you just can’t seem to get enough of that cheesy sauce. Now try to assess the relationship, do they love you? Are they charmed when you drink the orange juice straight from the carton, and can see the logic that it saves on washing up? If so, then the meal has only just begun. Now lick the plate. Show them what the strongest muscle in the body was designed for. A rule of thumb though, this only applies whilst the plate is still on the table. You don’t want to get caught half an hour later in the kitchen trying to make the most of dried pasta. With this in mind, if your plate is removed, your partner has spoken and mealtime is over. These things can turn ugly, so steer clear of the tug of war situation.

Overall, I’ve found licking the plate produces a variety of reactions. For some people, this is relationship-ending stuff, and so is a good weapon to bear in mind if you feel you’re in a Shawshank circumstance. Other people will merely shudder, and try and remember why they love you. The boat has been rocked, but hasn’t sunk yet. Try to balance this out and buy them a DVD or something. Think more Mamma Mia! and less Schlinder’s List. In this case, it’s probably best to wait a few years before you begin licking their plate.

If you’re really lucky, your partner will see the joys to be had in licking the plate and they too will join you in finishing their meal. Times like these are emotional; so don’t be surprised if you see tears of revelation as they begin to realise the revolutionary repasts that await them.

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